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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Video Game Cliche'

   I've played all types of games, maybe not as much as other people out there, but I still enjoy games and I love writing about them, but you know you play a few games in one genre, you'd played them all because they all offer the same cliche's.

     1. You're a Hero:  We get it.. you're an orphan or have some short-term memory loss problem, and guess what? You're the hero and have to deal with other peoples problems. For some odd reason, most RPGs start like this, although they're drifting to different beginnings for the sake of shaking away the cliche.. TOO LATE! We google the game and expect it to start as us being the underdog.. although everyone loves the underdog, that doesn't mean we want to be it and spend 3 hours of gameplay trying to prove to the pixel world how we're a great ninja/warrior/savior of the land..

      which brings me to..

     2. The Village of Idiots  Guess who can help you for when you need some one. Because every person in every community in every single damn world in every galaxy, is a moron who needs your help to tackle the super secret mastermind who got out of it's cage: the chicken. They also need your help doing dishes, telling their ghost children to go into the light, and to figure out what they should name their dog. You can't rely on these people for battle and you can't rely on them to give you much experience for gameplay either.. so, developers: Why are they there?

 Idiot Villager... Useless.. Stupid.. Happy... Smiling.. Moron.
     3. Pornstars Don't Belong in the Gaming Industry    It's in Final Fantasy, it's in Street Fighter, 80% sure in Duke Nukem, anything Rockstar, and yes, you guessed it, it's that person that is wearing so little rags, that if they didn't have an awesome body they could be taken for as a hobo. Video games aren't just played by 17 year olds who have as much sexual control as a rabbit, they're mostly played by NORMAL people, and people that don't need video games in order to get the the Wonderland.. (that's what the internet is for). Keep the games clean, you can have blood, guts, and as much gore that even Saw would get jealous, but why do you need the boobs and other parts? You don't. Time to grow up, Developers... then maybe your wives won't kick you to the couch and you can stop fantasizing during work.
    PS: I've also saw this on other sites... see? Males can get annoyed at seeing digital breasts too.

One Word: Skank.

     4. They're the Villain.. oh, No they're not..    When there's a hero, there's a villain.. and this works in two distinctive ways. One way is that you think the most obvious bad guy is the main bad guy but then a twist is thrown into the mix and suddenly he's not the main bad guy but someone else is... and this usually fails and just makes the player go "what the holy grail". The second way this works is that there's a guy who appears to be evil, but then he gives his reasoning on why he did what he did and suddenly, he doesn't appear evil anymore... and that's more annoying because the developers make it so you have to fix all the problems he caused anyway... even after everything. Whatever happened to a fire-breathing dragon being the evil thing and then magically slaying him at the end? Do games still work like that? Or did great grandpa's folk storytelling ruin the gaming industry of that?

     5. Que Amazing Song When Stuff is About to go Down    I call this the "Rugrat Syndrome"... you know how when Tommy Pickles pulls out the screwdriver, an adventure is about to happen? Well, this is what that is like... you hear epic background music and you know there's about to be an adventure burning into your eyeballs right from your tv set. This is a bit of a hit-or-miss for me... it can either be really stupid, or it can knock my socks off like what RedDeadRedemption did... now, not only did that have good songs, but they did it at all the right moments and that's it... the Developers understood that not every mission that made you go out of town had to have a song accompany it, and that's what made the moments that did have the songs come on so special.. because it was rare and those songs were amazing. 

    6. Aliens are Bad   We see it in Halo, we see it in DeadSpace, we see it on tv... and I'm sure everyone gets it.. Aliens are bad. Don't make deals with them, don't marry them... and for God's Sake do not have their children (Woman from MenInBlack, I'm talking to you, your baby did not need to throw up on the Fresh Prince's face, that is a galactic sin). Every game that deals with aliens talk about how horrible they are and have you kill them.. and it makes you think... these are things in games that have an IQ so high, the alien cows are suppose to make you look dumb, so... how do you kill something like that? I understand it's all a fantasy, blahblahblah, but it's a dumb one. Developers, throw the alien idea in the trash... no one is amused. The only reason why the "alien" thing sells is because people like to compare the difference of developer's ideas of what aliens should look like... and really, they all look like big-headed green things with big eyes and wear metallic suits so our government doesn't pick up their signals, other than that, there's nothing else.

 Featuring: The Type of Aliens us '90 Kids grew up With.

    7. "Nothing is what it used to be"   Thank God for the past... that's when God had a connection to Earth, that's when people had morals, great weapons, amazing rulers and heroes, EVERYTHING happened in the past, and now your present in doomed and your future is nonexistant. This is what the gaming industry feeds off of, the idea that everything is not what it was before and everything in the past was much better than it is today and you're the one that they've been waiting for in order to turn everything around.. yeah, yeah... I know, this slightly falls under the whole disabled-from-the-waist-down Hero thing, but not really. But this is what happens, even in Fable III... your father was a legendary hero until he died, your sibling takes over and runs the whole kindom to hell, and all anyone can do is remind you that you have to fill your fathers shoes and be the Hero people need you to be... when you even speak in Fable it calls you "Hero" in the subtitles. I swear, sometimes dead people wear the biggest shoes known to man.

      Yeah, cliches are made up of good ideas, but they're good ideas that could die fast and easily be overrated... like knights fighting dragons, princes saving princesses, Snorlax laying in your way and having to play a flute... it's all the same stuff, and while I'm sure there's more cliches out there, these are the first seven I could name off the top of my head and some I had to think of. If you think I missed any, let me know and maybe I'll consider doing a Pt. 2.

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